One Month

It's after midnight now, but, since I haven't gone to sleep yet, I'm still thinking of today as Thursday, December 29th. I clarify that because my thought all day has been: "I'm exactly one month away from Ian's due date (Jan. 29th)."

One month doesn't seem like very much time. Factor in all that must be done in that time, and I'm sure it will feel like even less.

Daniel and I just got back on Monday from a visit to Maryland for Christmas. I had gone out there a week before so that my mom could throw me a baby shower. The shower ended up being such a special time. I'm sure it's a memory I'll treasure for a very long time regardless of the outcome. The theme of the day was "Ian is a blessing." From almost the very first moment we realized the severity of the news concerning Ian's health, we wanted to make sure that we were celebrating and enjoying every bit of his life. This shower was part of that. God has blessed me with such dear family and friends who were able to join with me in doing that. I shared with them a dvd of a 3D ultrasound I had a few weeks back. Everyone was taken with him, as he had put on a show for the camera, sucking his finger, rubbing his eyes, smiling, blinking, and more.

The rest of my week in Maryland was good as well. I never get to see everyone I want to when I go back for such a short visit, but I did get to see many.

After really living away from home for the first time ever, spending Christmas with my family was also special. I'm so grateful to my parents for flying us out there. We were still missing Mike unfortunately as he's deployed currently, but we got to talk to him and opened all the gifts he'd sent. I won't say it was almost like he was there, because it wasn't, but I think we had the next best thing.

This was my first Christmas with Daniel and with Ian. That made it amazing regardless of where we were. Celebrating your most prized "possession" in one accord with people you are so inherently intimately connected with is, I think, a very God-glorifying thing.

The rush of Christmas has passed now though. We are back in California. And, while New Year's is still to come, it feels like the holiday season is gone and the time has come to prepare for what's next.

One month and so much to do. One month to make the most of our time with little Ian. One month to love, to hope, to pray for, to cherish. One month to prepare and make plans.

A year ago, I was planning my wedding, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Little did I know then that a year later I'd be facing the prospect of planning a funeral for my firstborn son. I know that's an awfully morbid thought, but it does me no good to hide from the likely reality.

Somehow, I must maintain that delicate balance between making the most of the time with Ian and yet simultaneously preparing for his departure. It is a mixture of such opposites. Birth and death. Laughter and mourning. Joy and sorrow. Such is life it seems. You are never far from one or other or both.

If you had one month, what would you do?