Final Preparations

The irony of the title of this post doesn't escape me, though I didn't exactly intend for any kind of double meaning. I was initially only referring to the fact that I'm now less than 4 weeks from my due date and that it's subsequently time to start doing things like packing a hospital bag.

This is going to be a strange month.  On the one hand, I will pack a hospital bag that I will need to carry with me at all times in case I go into labor.  On the other, I will be making initial preparations for a funeral.

Life and death so very intertwined--I feel like the third strand being braided between them.

I know that as long as Ian is alive I believe there is a chance for God to work a miracle in his little body, but if my hope that He will becomes an expectation, is that faith or merely assumption?

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Resting on all these deeper questions of how to walk the line between the reality of what is and what could be are the practical matters like what I should actually put in my hospital bag or how ready our house should be to receive an infant. We don't have a crib or bassinet or changing table. We don't have bottles or burp cloths. I'm supposed to take a packed diaper bag with us to the hospital. Do I really want to have to bring that home after if the worst has happened?

While I try to figure that out, I also need to start the process of planning whatever service we might have for Ian. I know now that it will need to happen quickly after to accommodate friends and family who want to be there. I also know that if it is indeed necessary I will not likely be in the best state of mind to plan it in the moment. And so, it must be done now, though I hardly know where to begin.

Most importantly, I have just one more month of this special time with Ian. Regardless of what happens after he is born, there will never be a time for him and me like we have now. There is a special kind of relationship that only he and I can have in this time. We spend literally every moment in each others' presence. In some ways, he knows me better than Daniel does.  How do I cherish this as it should be?

I'm not sure I know any of the answers to the questions I've posed or how to accomplish any of the tasks I must, yet I know by grace I will do what needs to be done. In fact, I suppose my lacking on both accounts will highlight that grace as I go. 

*A brief side note before I sign off: I'm going to go back and label all the posts about this situation with a tag "Ian" so that they can be looked up more easily.