I(a)n Due Time, Part 1: Reflections

It's Thursday, January 19 as I'm writing this. Daniel and I went to my weekly checkup with Dr. H earlier tonight. He dropped us another bombshell.  I can tell he's quite tired of having to do that. Honestly, I feel for him in that.

It seems Ian's normal-sized head combined with his breach position presents some serious potential complications. Dr. H is now recommending, in contrast to everything he's said before, that we schedule a c-section. Because we know Dr. H and trust him, we know that he doesn't change his mind lightly. For him to recommend this means that he has some very serious concerns. As I just said, we trust his judgment and are therefore taking his advice.

In all likelihood, I scheduled Ian's final fate today. Now, on the one hand, I know that's not true. While we discussed possibilities and chose a date, God had already written into His book every day of Ian's life. I cannot afford to forget that. But on the other hand, Daniel and I thought about it together and then made a decision, which we then told to our doctor. It was an awful thing to have to do, and yet it had to be done.

As much as I hated it, I wonder how God feels about such things. I'm not going to project too much here as I feel that would be dangerous territory. Let's keep our wondering as wondering, fearing to tread the land of curiosity where cats are killed and the bounds of our human understandings are often overstepped.  I mean if death is the result of sin which God abhors and He portions out to each person both a beginning and an end in this world... I can't imagine what it must be to mete out such abhorrent but necessary sentences continually. We mustn't forget the brighter side of that I suppose--the continual calling home of the Saints and what a joy that must be. I think that's enough wonder for now.

I think today's news was harder to deal with than when we first heard of Ian's condition. Everything was very suddenly so much more real. All the possibilities suddenly had become more definitive terms and timelines. I'm sure if I looked how I felt an apt description would be "deer-in-the-headlights...of a semi."

I made some quick calls while Daniel drove us to Taco Bell. We knew we needed to eat dinner. We needed to talk. But we needed to eat as well. And so we did both. In a booth. At Taco Bell. Eating burritos between sobs and hand-squeezes and phone calls. Burritos with Fire sauce. Fire sauce that may as well have been water for all I tasted. All the while, Christian music played in the background. At a Taco Bell. I have no idea who the store's manager is or what Taco Bell's policy on such would be, but I can say that I laughed in joyful gratitude when I noticed. The sweet name of Jesus sung over the sound system was like manna in the wilderness, water in the desert. Like Isaiah 55, I closed my eyes several times and drank to quench my thirst and ate without money and without cost. Infinitely more satisfying than $5 dollars worth of burritos.

Needless to say, this changes things quite a bit. For the purposes of post brevity and ease of searching, I'm going to leave this post as my reflections on the evening and save the details and prayer requests that have come out of it for a second post.